Mathmaticious

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In honor of Leonhard Euler’s 306th birthday, I have decided to only speak of math in a comedic sense. I think a couple of the prime factors for why I dislike math might be because I cannot function in that domain, and because I have a low tolerance for drama. Everyone has more problems than they can rationally handle. It really takes a number on you if you don’t crack a joke once in a while. (Okay, I’m done)

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First off, here are some math puns from punoftheday.com:

1.            Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.

2.            I was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions.

3.            A mathematician that couldn’t stop adding up recently went incremental.

4.            I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.

5.            I didn’t understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

6.            What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplaces? Natural Logs.

7.            In high school I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!

8.            Mathematicians are sum worshippers.

9.            I strongly dislike the subject of math, however I am partial to fractions.

10.          You know what happens after you miss math class? It starts adding up.

11.          I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

12.          The mathematician worked at home because he only functioned in his domain.

13.          The math teacher was a good dancer – he had algorithm.

14.          I just finished reading Newton’s Principia Mathematica, and found much of it to be rather derivative.

15.          I’m bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

16.          The best place for a mathematician is behind a counter.

17.          The mathematician did not practice safe six and ended up with a binarial disease.

18.          Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out.

19.          The arrogant math teacher finally ate a slice of humble pi.

20.          The top maths student’s blood type was A+.

21.          The inept mathematician couldn’t count on his friends.

22.          The math teacher was hungry, but all she had to eat was a piece of pi.

23.          The first order of priority in hiring math majors is get them to sine on the dotted line

24.          I met a math professor who has 12 children – she really knows how to multiply.

25.          A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

26.          We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

27.          Old math professors never die, they just reduce their functions.

28.          He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.

29.          A lawyer was defending a math teacher. He had to sum up.

30.          On the shelf there are ten math books, five geography books, and the rest is history.

31.          The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

32.          Old math teachers never die, they just become irrational.

33.          The math professor liked even numbers, but only the odd one.

34.          Two mathematicians arguing about even numbers were at odds.

35.          With negative numbers, some math students become nonplussed.

36.          A mountain climbing math teacher found an adder at the sum-mit.

37.          Old math profs never die, they just can’t differentiate.

38.          He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

39.          The math teacher was an exponent of his own powers.

40.          His qualifications as a math teacher didn’t add up.

41.          Old math profs never die — they just use strange expressions.

42.          Mathematics teachers call retirement ‘the aftermath’.

43.          Young women who are mathematics professors closely watch their figures.

44.          A math professor in an unheated room is cold and calculating.

45.          Math teachers have lots of problems.

46.          Some mathematicians are on the negative side while others are quite positive.

47.          A mathematician who was also a horticulturist was interested in prime roots square roots and trees in general.

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Moreover, I found this physics joke to be quite entertaining:

One day, all of the world’s famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests…

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn’t invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere’s opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla’s magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

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As well as:

Q: I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place. What am I?

A: 2.718281828459… (e)

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 One more….

Psychologists subject an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to an experiment: Each of them is locked in a room for a day – hungry, with a can of food, but without an opener; all they have is pencil and paper.
At the end of the day, the psychologists open the engineer’s room first. Pencil and paper are unused, but the walls of the room are covered with dents. The engineer is sitting on the floor and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open.
The physicist is next. The paper is covered with formulas, there is one dent in the wall, and the physicist is eating, too: He calculated how exactly to throw the can against the wall, so that it would crack open.
When the psychologists open the mathematician’s room, the paper is also full of formulas, the can is still closed, and the mathematician has disappeared. But there are strange noises coming from inside the can…
Someone gets an opener and opens the can. The mathematician crawls out. “Crap! I got a sign wrong…”

Alright, that’s enough pun for now.

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P.S. Check out this mathmaticious video.

Have a lovely evening!

-Jordan

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Apocalyptic Zombie Survival Guide

Forewarning: I am not barmy and I think it highly unlikely that any proposed science-fiction apocalyptic event will actually take place.This is hypothetical. Enjoy!

Let’s be clear. In this instance, by saying apocalypse I do not mean the rapture, I mean widespread disaster and destruction. Now that’s better isn’t it?

Let us suppose that somehow, zombies arose from the ground with the intent of killing off the human race and demolishing all order and progress. What would your game plan be? I’ll fill you in on my plan as long as you stay alive.. Luckily, zombies are not sophisticated enough to use the internet, all they do is byte things, if you cache my drift. (Lame yes, but I know you smiled!)

Here we go:

1. Find your friends, preferably the fit and attractive ones. You want to bring people that are likely to survive in harsh conditions and can assist in repopulation if need be. Make sure you bring resourceful women, they are humanity’s only hope for recovery. Dress comfortably but efficiently (meaning running shoes, cargo pants, watch, etc.).

2. Head to the nearest super-store. Wal-Mart is the perfect place to get the supplies you need. Similar to tax-free weekends and black Friday sales, zombie apocalypse prices are to die for, meaning free! When you get to Wal-Mart with your friends, check out the weapons isle first. Granted, zombies are not the most complex of foes, but when they charge at you in mass numbers, you might  need more than your fists. Stock up on ammo and stash your supplies in backpacking packs. Make sure you grab several water canteens, pocketknives, matches, walkie-talkies, and a couple handfuls of nails. Heck, grab some bullet-proof armor while you’re at it.

Head to the food isle and stock up on: a.beans (and rice if you can), b.spam and hot dogs, c.processed cheese, d.canned goods (preferably vegetables, fruit, and fish), e.potatoes, f.peanut butter, g.bread, h.granola/power bars, and i.twinkies. Put all of the food in the back of your “borrowed vehicle” and stash some in your pack just in case the car goes. Make sure you store your food in a way that can be easily transported from one shelter to another.

3. Get some wheels, preferably awesome ones. As much fun as it is to jog to the middle of nowhere, I would say driving is a better option, and since it is the undead weekend, you can have your pick at any righteous ride you prefer. If possible, go for something with 4WD that can go off-road and has plenty or trunk space for storage. Get 2 or 3 of them. Make sure you bring an extra can of gas per car for emergencies. Keep in mind that your vehicle is likely to be temporary. If you run out of gas, you might have to ditch the car for another one that was abandoned. Again, make sure your cargo can be easily transported.

4. Go to the middle of nowhere. Zombies like highly populated areas, so take your guns, food, and women to the middle of nowhere and stake out in a deserted country home or shack. Halfway unload the cars. That way you will be able to flee with some supplies, but you will also have supplies in the shack if the cars get stolen or demolished. Nail scrap wood to the windows and block off all but two entrance ways. Make sure both are guarded at all times.

5. Once you have established your base, you have two options: 1. Head out into the city to slay zombies, or 2. Stay at the base like a coward and wait for the zombies to find you. Before you consider the latter, keep in mind that zombies do not slay themselves. The apocalypse will not magically end unless someone destroys them all. This is where the fun begins. Head out into the city with your guns, knives, and ammo and pair up. Establish a meeting time and place to make sure everyone is accounted for. Go out and slay zombies until you can slay no longer, and eat any safe  food and grab any weapons you encounter along the way. Make sure you drink water continuously throughout the day. If you find survivors, bring them with you to the base.

6. Repopulate. After the apocalypse has endured for countless months and your group of survivors has slightly increased in numbers, assign your healthiest women with the task of repopulation. Let them have the freedom of choosing their mates, but just be sure they don’t choose some wimp noodle boys.

If these steps are repeated and the zombie population is gradually being hacked down daily, humanity will be eventually be restored. The best tip: use common sense. That is the best advantage you have over the undead.

Have any additions? Comment down below. On must always be prepared, no?

-Jordan

How AppState is like the Shire

by JORDAN MILLER

Warning: This may offend ASU Hipsters.

  1. There are many hobbits with hairy exposed feet – none of which are of African lineage.
  2. Everyone knows of second breakfast.
  3. The all-seeing eye of Sauron (your parents) cannot monitor you if you live far away and never touch the ring(er).
  4. Sam (Lakey) lives next door.
  5. Celtic dances and unexpected fireworks are not uncommon.
  6. There is one finger you dare not lose (hitchin’ it) else you be forever a member of the nub club.
  7. The famed wizard among hobbits (Peacock) appears rarely, but when he does visit, everyone looks up to him and children gape at his pure awesomeness.
  8. Some people really need chapstick.
  9. Everyone’s hair is curly and untamed.
  10. They also wear baggy handmade clothes in a hidden attempt to mask their physical unkempt-ness.
  11. The fastest way to Mordor (Walker Hall) is not by stumbling, but by bicycle.
  12. The hobbits that obsess over evil things soon find themselves living anywhere but the shire (AppState). They live in the sketchy parts of the mountains, near WCU.
  13. Students write A Hobbit’s Tale – There and Back Again every night for English class.
  14. At the end of the adventure, hobbits usually get married to someone from the shire.
  15. There are WAY too many Pippins and Marys.