Apocalyptic Zombie Survival Guide

Forewarning: I am not barmy and I think it highly unlikely that any proposed science-fiction apocalyptic event will actually take place.This is hypothetical. Enjoy!

Let’s be clear. In this instance, by saying apocalypse I do not mean the rapture, I mean widespread disaster and destruction. Now that’s better isn’t it?

Let us suppose that somehow, zombies arose from the ground with the intent of killing off the human race and demolishing all order and progress. What would your game plan be? I’ll fill you in on my plan as long as you stay alive.. Luckily, zombies are not sophisticated enough to use the internet, all they do is byte things, if you cache my drift. (Lame yes, but I know you smiled!)

Here we go:

1. Find your friends, preferably the fit and attractive ones. You want to bring people that are likely to survive in harsh conditions and can assist in repopulation if need be. Make sure you bring resourceful women, they are humanity’s only hope for recovery. Dress comfortably but efficiently (meaning running shoes, cargo pants, watch, etc.).

2. Head to the nearest super-store. Wal-Mart is the perfect place to get the supplies you need. Similar to tax-free weekends and black Friday sales, zombie apocalypse prices are to die for, meaning free! When you get to Wal-Mart with your friends, check out the weapons isle first. Granted, zombies are not the most complex of foes, but when they charge at you in mass numbers, you might  need more than your fists. Stock up on ammo and stash your supplies in backpacking packs. Make sure you grab several water canteens, pocketknives, matches, walkie-talkies, and a couple handfuls of nails. Heck, grab some bullet-proof armor while you’re at it.

Head to the food isle and stock up on: a.beans (and rice if you can), b.spam and hot dogs, c.processed cheese, d.canned goods (preferably vegetables, fruit, and fish), e.potatoes, f.peanut butter, g.bread, h.granola/power bars, and i.twinkies. Put all of the food in the back of your “borrowed vehicle” and stash some in your pack just in case the car goes. Make sure you store your food in a way that can be easily transported from one shelter to another.

3. Get some wheels, preferably awesome ones. As much fun as it is to jog to the middle of nowhere, I would say driving is a better option, and since it is the undead weekend, you can have your pick at any righteous ride you prefer. If possible, go for something with 4WD that can go off-road and has plenty or trunk space for storage. Get 2 or 3 of them. Make sure you bring an extra can of gas per car for emergencies. Keep in mind that your vehicle is likely to be temporary. If you run out of gas, you might have to ditch the car for another one that was abandoned. Again, make sure your cargo can be easily transported.

4. Go to the middle of nowhere. Zombies like highly populated areas, so take your guns, food, and women to the middle of nowhere and stake out in a deserted country home or shack. Halfway unload the cars. That way you will be able to flee with some supplies, but you will also have supplies in the shack if the cars get stolen or demolished. Nail scrap wood to the windows and block off all but two entrance ways. Make sure both are guarded at all times.

5. Once you have established your base, you have two options: 1. Head out into the city to slay zombies, or 2. Stay at the base like a coward and wait for the zombies to find you. Before you consider the latter, keep in mind that zombies do not slay themselves. The apocalypse will not magically end unless someone destroys them all. This is where the fun begins. Head out into the city with your guns, knives, and ammo and pair up. Establish a meeting time and place to make sure everyone is accounted for. Go out and slay zombies until you can slay no longer, and eat any safe  food and grab any weapons you encounter along the way. Make sure you drink water continuously throughout the day. If you find survivors, bring them with you to the base.

6. Repopulate. After the apocalypse has endured for countless months and your group of survivors has slightly increased in numbers, assign your healthiest women with the task of repopulation. Let them have the freedom of choosing their mates, but just be sure they don’t choose some wimp noodle boys.

If these steps are repeated and the zombie population is gradually being hacked down daily, humanity will be eventually be restored. The best tip: use common sense. That is the best advantage you have over the undead.

Have any additions? Comment down below. On must always be prepared, no?

-Jordan

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