How AppState is like the Shire

by JORDAN MILLER

Warning: This may offend ASU Hipsters.

  1. There are many hobbits with hairy exposed feet – none of which are of African lineage.
  2. Everyone knows of second breakfast.
  3. The all-seeing eye of Sauron (your parents) cannot monitor you if you live far away and never touch the ring(er).
  4. Sam (Lakey) lives next door.
  5. Celtic dances and unexpected fireworks are not uncommon.
  6. There is one finger you dare not lose (hitchin’ it) else you be forever a member of the nub club.
  7. The famed wizard among hobbits (Peacock) appears rarely, but when he does visit, everyone looks up to him and children gape at his pure awesomeness.
  8. Some people really need chapstick.
  9. Everyone’s hair is curly and untamed.
  10. They also wear baggy handmade clothes in a hidden attempt to mask their physical unkempt-ness.
  11. The fastest way to Mordor (Walker Hall) is not by stumbling, but by bicycle.
  12. The hobbits that obsess over evil things soon find themselves living anywhere but the shire (AppState). They live in the sketchy parts of the mountains, near WCU.
  13. Students write A Hobbit’s Tale – There and Back Again every night for English class.
  14. At the end of the adventure, hobbits usually get married to someone from the shire.
  15. There are WAY too many Pippins and Marys.
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